Comprehensive tools for managing corporate waste, detecting bullshit, and embracing the inevitable decay of all digital initiatives.
We're the first company honest enough to admit that most products, platforms, and "revolutionary solutions" are just elaborate ways to produce more crap. Our OS simply cuts to the chase.
Unlike other platforms that pretend their output matters, PoopOS acknowledges the inevitable: your startup idea, your "disruptive" app, your revolutionary blockchain solution—it all ends up as digital waste. We just streamline the process.
Our advanced analytics measure the true quality of corporate output: How much time wasted? How many buzzwords used? What's the actual value-to-bullshit ratio? Finally, metrics that matter in the real world of corporate excrement.
Seamlessly transform your failed ideas, abandoned projects, and meaningless meetings into properly categorized digital waste. Our cloud infrastructure efficiently processes corporate garbage at enterprise scale.
PoopOS connects with all your existing platforms, apps, and "solutions"—because we know they're producing crap anyway. Slack, Jira, Microsoft Teams—we'll help you manage the inevitable output of these productivity theater tools.
Our machine learning algorithms can identify corporate bullshit before it fully forms. Get early warnings about incoming buzzword storms, detect meaningless "synergies," and predict which "game-changing" initiatives will fail.
Your corporate waste deserves the same security as your valuable data—because honestly, at most companies, it's hard to tell the difference. Bank-level encryption for your digital excrement and abandoned MVPs.
Why invest in creating new shit when you can optimize your existing shit? Our Lean Waste module helps you reorganize the same failures into more efficient configurations. Reduce headcount, consolidate garbage, and call it "operational excellence."
Introducing Six Sigma for Shit™—because nothing says "we've given up on growth" like obsessively measuring the throughput of your declining output. Get beautiful dashboards showing exactly how efficiently you're producing nothing of value.
Because "Value Creation" Is Mostly a Spreadsheet Exercise. PoopOS understands what really drives returns: leverage, multiple arbitrage, and hoping the next buyer is less sophisticated than you.
Transform disappointing earnings into compelling narratives. Add back every expense imaginable—restructuring costs that happen annually, founder "one-time" bonuses, and that consultant spend you swore was non-recurring. Track the gap between Adjusted EBITDA and actual cash flow, so you never have to explain it.
You promised the board $50M in post-acquisition synergies. You've realized $5M while spending $30M on integration consultants. Our tracker helps you maintain the fiction in quarterly reports while quietly pushing the "full synergy realization" date out another 18 months.
Why improve operations when you can just buy at 8x and sell at 12x? Track your entire investment thesis's dependence on finding a greater fool. Includes scenario modeling for when multiples compress and you're left holding overpriced, over-leveraged assets.
You've acquired 12 companies running on different tech stacks, with overlapping customers and hostile management teams. Present this chaos as a "unified platform" in pitch decks while tracking the actual technical debt and integration nightmare behind the scenes.
Generate elaborate quarterly reports that obscure the fact that you're collecting 2% of AUM regardless of performance. Includes templates for explaining why this vintage is different and why your DPI is lagging but TVPI looks great.
Track which portfolio companies are one customer departure away from collapse. Visualize your exposure to that single enterprise contract that represents 40% of revenue. Pray they don't read the news about your "platform integration."
The Numbers Don't Lie. But They Can Be Taught to Be Economical with the Truth. Whether you're a startup trying to survive to Series B or a portfolio company trying to survive to exit, you face the same challenge: making mediocre performance look acceptable.
Your growth + margin number is 12. But what if we calculated growth differently? What if we used "ARR momentum" instead of actual growth? Our engine finds the methodology that gets you closest to 40 without technically lying.
Net Revenue Retention is the metric everyone watches. Learn the dark arts: excluding "non-core" churned customers, counting expansion revenue that hasn't been invoiced, and the ever-popular "logo churn vs. dollar churn" distinction that hides the bodies.
Red numbers become "investments in future growth." Flat revenue becomes "disciplined, sustainable scaling." Customer churn becomes "strategic account optimization." Transform any set of ugly metrics into a compelling narrative about how everything is going according to plan.
Track how many consecutive quarters you've told the board you're "18-24 months from exit." Visualize the ever-receding timeline. Includes automated excuse generation: market conditions, strategic timing, "building more value," and "waiting for the right partner."
Stop pretending your output matters. Start managing it honestly with PoopOS.