Master the language of corporate dysfunction with our comprehensive guides to business bullshit.
A comprehensive guide to the language of corporate decay. Learn what they're really saying.
Firing people. Always firing people. Never "wrong-sizing" to begin with, always "right-sizing" after.
We've hired bankers to sell the company but haven't found a buyer willing to pay what we think we're worth.
See "Strategic Review," but earlier in the denial stage.
We've cut everything except the founders' salaries and are hoping for a miracle.
Doing the same things with fewer people until quality collapses and customers leave.
Fictional cost savings used to justify acquisitions. Realized rate: approximately 15% of projections.
Recurring expenses we'd prefer investors ignore. Appear annually.
EBITDA, but we've removed all the inconvenient parts. Also known as "earnings before everything bad."
We bought seven companies that don't integrate and called it a strategy.
Primarily: leverage, multiple expansion, and cutting R&D. Secondarily: actual improvements.
A company we hope will overpay because they're desperate or bad at math.
A future state that recedes as you approach it, like a mirage.
We've stopped spending money. Growth has also stopped. Unclear if related.
No growth, but on purpose.
Corporate-speak for "explain further," used by people who want to sound smart in meetings.
Dive deeper into the art of corporate dysfunction management
A comprehensive guide to speaking fluent corporate nonsense. Learn to transform any setback into a "strategic pivot" and any failure into a "learning opportunity."
Advanced techniques for presenting terrible numbers in the best possible light. From "adjusting" EBITDA to creative cohort analysis.
How to present quarterly disasters as "temporary headwinds" and convince your board that everything is going according to plan.
Pre-written emails for managing consulting relationships, including "We'll revisit this post-funding" and "Let's table this for now."
Learn to create beautiful visualizations that obscure declining performance while highlighting meaningless vanity metrics.
Maintain the illusion of an impending exit for years while slowly harvesting whatever value remains. Includes timeline management and excuse generation.
Get monthly insights on the latest trends in corporate bullshit and waste management.
We promise to only send you the highest quality bullshit.
Now that you understand the language, start using PoopOS to manage your corporate waste properly.